Feeling Bad...

Every time I think about the things happening around me, which I have messed up, I feel bad and guilty as they were caused by me.
Now I do not think I have to feel like that any more because I have been thinking about it for four solid days where, once, I even tried to change back, but I have firmly decided not to do so anymore in the future.
It has always been like this. It is how it has to happen and it will happen. So be it.
Whenever I feel I ought to be understanding my friends and also behave in the way they expect out of me, and I assure you I will mess up, I have had enough of feeling bad and punishing myself in my own painful ways so that I change myself to the way everyone wants me to be. I have had enough of this.
For the last four days I have been crying in the night for the mistakes I have committed, not lived up to my friends' expectations and not following their views and values.
Well that is my capacity and ability and it is very tough for person to adjust with everyone around him that too, a person like me.
To be frank, all these emotions such as 'feeling bad' and getting upset about others transforms into anger and violence within me.
I had to shout at so many people including my family, just after returning from a excursion and I also did cut my skin just to pour out my harsh emotions..... on the whole i did not even enjoy the trip just because of someone whom I had to think about all day long and to see what else I had to do in order to make things all right.
This life sucks....... to the core and I have experienced it.
I agree to you all that this website is only to express positive emotions and thoughts but I just cannot help myself but to pour out these unnecessary, temporary, angry thoughts.
All these lead into pain and also, The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body.
Pain is 99% sadness and 1% wrath; the way I perceive it.
So we should see to that we do not hurt others mind's and also, if someone does that to us, learn to enjoy the pain .
"Remember that pain has this most excellent quality. If prolonged it cannot be severe, and if severe it cannot be prolonged." - Anonymous